Stupid questions you've asked a waitress

Since Jess has told me I'm slacking on my Happy Waitress Blog (she's right) I'm here to blog...lucky you :P

The Happy Waitress- Stupid Things You've Asked....

At almost every restaurant I've been in I have been seated by a host or hostess. They put me at a table, I sit there, order, eat, leave (a tip) and that's it. Unless there is a screaming child next to me or someone simply too obnoxious to sit next too (I'm all for drinking, but if I catch you making an ass of yourself on a Monday at 1pm, I'll video it and put it on youtube), then I will ask to move. But other than that, where you put me, I'm staying.

And so should you. Why? Because there are sections in a restaurant and when you ask to move or even worse, get your ass up and move yourself (and then bitch that no one has come over....newsflash, we didn't know you moved, we're not psychics) you are taking away a table from the waitress who had that section (most likely).

Stupid question number 1:

"Can I sit over there?" *points to table 40 miles away from where they were sat*

I've been asked numerous times before if refills were free. This questions sends pangs of "OMG if you can't afford a $2 drink, you are probably going to leave me less than that as a tip". Last night, that question was topped by a table of "so cool teenagers (the type of guys I went to highschool with that are now either in jail or still living at home not making money) that ordered two sodas...there were five of them. When I asked the others what they would like I received a resounding "naw- I'm good yo." Your parents should be proud. To top it off, they each ordered the special (no surprise there) and one asked "does it come with a drink". I examined my uniform, saw that it didn't say "McDonald's" on it and replied that no, it does not come with drink or toy as we are not a fast food restaurant.

Stupid question number 2:

"Does this meal come with a drink?"

NJ State Law says that you have to have an ID proving your age while drinking at a bar/restaurant. Our restaurant has a sign that is four feet tall (seriously) that explains this. We therefore card everyone. Every-one. I get carded when I drink there off my shift.

What I super-duper appreciate is the one-liners/jokes/almost witty but not really remarks that people choose to make because I have the nerve to card them. Dear "I don't know the law and chose to ignore the four foot tall sign by the front door and think I'm cute anyway" person: The longer you keep me at your table busting my chops, the longer I'm away from other tables. The longer I'm away from other tables, the faster my tip goes does. So when I'm not back at your table lickity-split, please remember that it's probably because someone thought they were just as cute as you and they are giving me a hard time about me carding them.

Here's a thought, when you're asked for your id, show it. Don't give the waitress a look like she just asked for a kidney...especially when she handles your food.

Stupid Question Number 3:

"Why do I have to show you my ID?"

Tipping is very interesting and many people think that less than 10% is appropriate, event when they get the best service. I've been to other places, and trust me, my service is better than most. Plus, the restaurant I work at, you're staring at my tits and ass, and getting food that you could get anywhere else, or even at a diner. But let's face it, you're there to look at the waitresses, not because the food is five stars. So how about showing it at the end of the night?

A $50 bill does not mean a $3 tip. No, it doesn't. It means $6-$10. Yes, yes it does. Why? Because we have to tip out....but this question isn't about tipping. It's about what happens when you don't, and you get your food wrapped...and you leave it there as everyone often does.

If you leave less than 10%, get your food wrapped and then forget it...and then remember it, and then come running back in for it 3 minutes later, the dumbest question you could possibly ask is:

"Is my food still on the table?"

Answer: No, I threw it out. Next time don't be so cheap.

This concludes my Happy Waitress section on "Stupid Questions".

xoxoxo

me

Vote For Me!!

OK guys...I'm in a contest for WRAT, which is a radio station down the shore in Jersey. They are having ONE girl be a spokesmodel for the year, which means interviews, radio spots, the possibilities are endless.

You know, I know, everyone should know, there is no other person for this job. I've worked for this company before on their show and I hosted the Men's Expo for them/lingerie runway show back in January.

It sucks that it's online voting (because I don't have 10 million myspace fans) but I do know a lot of you read this blog...so I'm going to use that to my advantage.

Round one is 32 girls which then gets down to 16...which will result in more online voting (super). I really need your help because I'm guessing a lot of these chicas have a lot of time to spend on MySpace and I don't.

Please vote and tell your friends to vote. I'll love your forever. Don't let some diva bitch win this- Vote for Daniela!!!

MUAH!

http://www.wrat.com/Default.aspx?tabid=993

Cougars should be HOT

Cougars seem to be the new "trend" in Hollywood...by "new" I mean over the past 6 months or so. I personally cannot relate because I've always felt comfortable being with a man older than me (my better half being 21 years old than me) and I couldn't image dating younger let alone 20 plus years younger. That said, it's my personal preference and I get that everyone feels differently.

However, if you're going to do a show and name it "Cougartown", please, please, cast someone believable as a Cougar.

Cougar, to me, is a woman with charisma, that is just dripping with sex appeal. You can probably guess her age when you look at her, but it doesn't matter because she's uber-hot. Her body is in shape, and when she looks at you, you just want to sleep with her. If cougars were male, I would think of people like Harrison Ford and Richard Gere.

But they are not, because cougars are female. So, if I was going to cast a show, my cougar pick would come from a list including actresses such as:

Catherine Zeta-Jones, Michelle Pfeiffer, Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, Jennifer Connelly, even Susan Lucci would be fine.

But Courtney Cox? There is nothing sexy about this woman. At best, she's "cute". She's lanky, skinny, and has no curves whatsoever. Where are her boobs?? Where are they?

I cannot understand why Hollywood would pick her to star in this show.

I've watched some of the promos and it seems to be full of "humor" and not exactly full of sex. Perhaps I missed the memo where a cougar is something you laugh with/at, but then again, it's going to be on ABC. Now, if it was on HBO, or Showtime where it belongs, then perhaps they could have cast one of the women I was thinking of.

All I know is, if I was a 21 year old boy, looking to bone an older woman, she would not be my choice.

Rawr.

Acceptance Speechs

Acceptance speeches are a funny thing. Having never made one (I know, I find it shocking as well), I don't know first hand the pressure that comes with standing on a podium while everyone watches *cough* judges *cough* every syllable that comes out of your mouth. While I too will have knee-jerk reactions to things that are said, done, I quickly remind myself that I'm not up there, I'm not that person, I'm not in their shoes, and it's their speech to do with it what they will.

I'm standing way alone on this apparently, but I often do on most topics which either makes me interesting or gets me into trouble. I don't usually blog about my personal personal life, except for my "Happy Waitress" segments, but this has got me sighing and rolling my eyes and if I don't blog about it, my head might explode...and I just got my hair cut so that would be a waste.

My better half recently won an award because he's a phenomenal piano player. Bottom line. That's it. He had no idea he was going to win and thus, he never wrote a speech. We joked about what he would say, and even thought about pulling a "Kanye" stunt because it would've been funny. But nothing was set in stone and he was convinced, though nominated twice that he wouldn't be winning.

When the winner was announced, it wasn't his name, which was fine by him because he didn't want to get up on that podium. I was bummed but what can you do. After the first acceptance speech (which neither of us really listened to) there was some hub-bub at the microphone about how it was a tie, a three-way tie. I heard this, and my better half didn't, so I had to quiet everyone down at the table which was done just in time, to hear his name be announced.

At this moment he had absolutely no idea what was going on and I had to tell him that he just won...adding more confusion because we just heard who won. So he went up to the microphone completely confused...and then made his speech.

In this speech he did a lot of thanking, of me. No, he didn't thank the cast, or pretty much anyone involved. Which is all anyone can seem to talk about.

Now, I've been snubbed in an acceptance speech before and yes, it sucks. However, again, I've never made one of these speeches and I don't know the pressure that comes with it. Adding to that, being announced as the winner when you just heard who the winner was, I would be super confused as he was. Plus, there was no speech and no plan and nothing written.

But all people can think about is "he didn't thank me".

He's never going to defend himself past "I had no idea what was going on" and frankly, if that's not enough for these people, then all I can say is...

Shut the fuck up.

You weren't up there, you don't know, you weren't in his head. You haven't been in his head for the past three years and as much as people care to think they "know" him, you have no idea.

I get being snubbed hurts. But if the people who feel they were snubbed can think nothing past their own feelings, then maybe they should remember that the next time they are up on that stage, out of nowhere, without a speech, in front of everyone....

....if it ever happens.

(photo courtesy of Alicia and Joe...I can't remember who took that....)

Dear Kanye

You're a worthless piece of garbage.

Love and Kisses,

Danielle

The Happy Waitress

I've decided that a part of this blog needs to get offtrack and be named "The Happy Waitress"....because as many of you know, that's what I do to keep my bank account afloat.


Today I had breakfast with my better half and we were discussing a class that should be mandatory before you are able to graduate high school: waiting tables. You should absolutely have to pass this, and screw having to pass gym because that is absolutely useless later in life...this course would be fantastic because if you're not learning how to behave in a restaurant from your parents, you can learn it in school and not be a fucking clusterass when you go out with your friends that think ordering water and fries is AOK and then tipping a dollar because you're all broke.

There are so many things that waiters have to deal with that cannot be explained. Every single shift I have some story about some ridiculous customer who probably thinks their behavior is fine and doesn't realize that a 10% tip is something that they can just keep because I'm not interested and obviously they need it more than I do.

Some people don't understand how stupid it sounds to ask if refills are free. Really? You don't have an extra $2? Great, that makes me feel wonderful about how much you're going to leave me at the end of the bill when you don't even have that money to quench your thirst.

Some people don't understand that when you sit there and deliberate your order in front of the waiter, you are keeping he/she away from other tables who probably did the exact same thing you are doing...and then when they do that and he/she doesn't get back to your table in time, you will reflect that in his/her tip when really it was your fault to begin with. When we ask "are you ready or do you need a couple of minutes?", there are two answer: yes, here's what we want or no, please come back...not, wait here while we discuss the menu in front of you because you obviously have nothing better to do like get back to your other tables who are deducting dollars from your tip because they think you are ignoring them. See?

All this and more coming in weekly editions (more if people are really retarded) of "The Happy Waitress".

Make sure you read them until there are mandatory classes that you have to take. I'm sure you all are doing something you think is normal when really, it's not and you should change. Yeah. That. Thanks.

Hanging yourself after you strangle someone...

So this guy is...worth 2.5 million (networth is bullshit because if that holds any merit then I live with a millionaire. Please.)

Anyway....he gets on Megan Wants a Millionaire...apparently he got kicked off but no one will ever see that. Why? Because the show was cancelled because he reported his wife (that he married after knowing her for 4 days after meeting her in the same strip club Megan worked at) missing, and then she turned up dead, naked, strangled and in a suitcase in a dumpster...then he fled to Canada...

Oh and he recently hung himself.

So the first thing I thought of (after WTF DID YOU CANCEL MY FAVORITE SHOW FOR VH1?!?!?) was...he strangled her and he hung himself.

Strangling someone takes a great deal of passion. It's exactly that: a crime of passion...snapping off someone's air, watching them die in your hands...gripping their throat. So I did a google search "strangling versus hanging"..and I came up with a ton of men who strangled their women and then hung themselves.

First off, hanging yourself can go wrong. And that can be painful. Why anyone would go that route I have no idea, but then again, I have no desire to take my own life.

Here's my thing...what's the correlation between hanging yourself after strangling someone. It can't be as simple as cutting off the air in your neck. There are like a billion ways to murder someone (you saw Saw 1, 2, 3 and 5 million right?) and I'm sure just as many to kill yourself...there has to be a parallel. So I'm curious...

What is it? What in the brain makes you strangle someone and then hang yourself? Why those two together? What is it?

Makes you think.