Monday, September 7, 2009

The Happy Waitress

I've decided that a part of this blog needs to get offtrack and be named "The Happy Waitress"....because as many of you know, that's what I do to keep my bank account afloat.

Today I had breakfast with my better half and we were discussing a class that should be mandatory before you are able to graduate high school: waiting tables. You should absolutely have to pass this, and screw having to pass gym because that is absolutely useless later in life...this course would be fantastic because if you're not learning how to behave in a restaurant from your parents, you can learn it in school and not be a fucking clusterass when you go out with your friends that think ordering water and fries is AOK and then tipping a dollar because you're all broke.

There are so many things that waiters have to deal with that cannot be explained. Every single shift I have some story about some ridiculous customer who probably thinks their behavior is fine and doesn't realize that a 10% tip is something that they can just keep because I'm not interested and obviously they need it more than I do.

Some people don't understand how stupid it sounds to ask if refills are free. Really? You don't have an extra $2? Great, that makes me feel wonderful about how much you're going to leave me at the end of the bill when you don't even have that money to quench your thirst.

Some people don't understand that when you sit there and deliberate your order in front of the waiter, you are keeping he/she away from other tables who probably did the exact same thing you are doing...and then when they do that and he/she doesn't get back to your table in time, you will reflect that in his/her tip when really it was your fault to begin with. When we ask "are you ready or do you need a couple of minutes?", there are two answer: yes, here's what we want or no, please come back...not, wait here while we discuss the menu in front of you because you obviously have nothing better to do like get back to your other tables who are deducting dollars from your tip because they think you are ignoring them. See?

All this and more coming in weekly editions (more if people are really retarded) of "The Happy Waitress".

Make sure you read them until there are mandatory classes that you have to take. I'm sure you all are doing something you think is normal when really, it's not and you should change. Yeah. That. Thanks.


  1. It sucks when people keep the waitress on hold while deciding between the fucking steak or the lobster. I always DIE when I'm out with someone who does this: super rude and thoughtless!


  2. I worked for almost 2 years at Old Man Rafferty's and I've had all sorts of jobs and that job, hands-down, was the hardest. To this day I have so many stories I still tell and it was almost 10 years ago. My biggest pet peeves: Hanging out at the table for hours long after you've paid the bill thus monopolizing my table and reducing the amount of money I'd make that night. Asking for your steak well done and then getting pissed off it took 20 minutes to come out. Leaving any type of coinage as all or part of my tip. Asking me what I suggest off the menu, taking up my time by having me describe a few choices, then picking something completely different. Sending back silverware because there are waterspots on there. It's a dishwasher, they are waterspots, not flesh-eating bacteria. Bringing your children (which is fine, we have a kids menu, bring the family, have some fun), but not cleaning up the landfill of assorted food crumbs, sugar packets, straws, napkins and god knows what else under your table. I'm sure I have so much more. Feel free to write about any of these, lol!

  3. great ideas jen- I'll be sure to hit on many if not all of them :)