Cougars should be HOT

Cougars seem to be the new "trend" in Hollywood...by "new" I mean over the past 6 months or so. I personally cannot relate because I've always felt comfortable being with a man older than me (my better half being 21 years old than me) and I couldn't image dating younger let alone 20 plus years younger. That said, it's my personal preference and I get that everyone feels differently.

However, if you're going to do a show and name it "Cougartown", please, please, cast someone believable as a Cougar.

Cougar, to me, is a woman with charisma, that is just dripping with sex appeal. You can probably guess her age when you look at her, but it doesn't matter because she's uber-hot. Her body is in shape, and when she looks at you, you just want to sleep with her. If cougars were male, I would think of people like Harrison Ford and Richard Gere.

But they are not, because cougars are female. So, if I was going to cast a show, my cougar pick would come from a list including actresses such as:

Catherine Zeta-Jones, Michelle Pfeiffer, Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, Jennifer Connelly, even Susan Lucci would be fine.

But Courtney Cox? There is nothing sexy about this woman. At best, she's "cute". She's lanky, skinny, and has no curves whatsoever. Where are her boobs?? Where are they?

I cannot understand why Hollywood would pick her to star in this show.

I've watched some of the promos and it seems to be full of "humor" and not exactly full of sex. Perhaps I missed the memo where a cougar is something you laugh with/at, but then again, it's going to be on ABC. Now, if it was on HBO, or Showtime where it belongs, then perhaps they could have cast one of the women I was thinking of.

All I know is, if I was a 21 year old boy, looking to bone an older woman, she would not be my choice.

Rawr.

Acceptance Speechs

Acceptance speeches are a funny thing. Having never made one (I know, I find it shocking as well), I don't know first hand the pressure that comes with standing on a podium while everyone watches *cough* judges *cough* every syllable that comes out of your mouth. While I too will have knee-jerk reactions to things that are said, done, I quickly remind myself that I'm not up there, I'm not that person, I'm not in their shoes, and it's their speech to do with it what they will.

I'm standing way alone on this apparently, but I often do on most topics which either makes me interesting or gets me into trouble. I don't usually blog about my personal personal life, except for my "Happy Waitress" segments, but this has got me sighing and rolling my eyes and if I don't blog about it, my head might explode...and I just got my hair cut so that would be a waste.

My better half recently won an award because he's a phenomenal piano player. Bottom line. That's it. He had no idea he was going to win and thus, he never wrote a speech. We joked about what he would say, and even thought about pulling a "Kanye" stunt because it would've been funny. But nothing was set in stone and he was convinced, though nominated twice that he wouldn't be winning.

When the winner was announced, it wasn't his name, which was fine by him because he didn't want to get up on that podium. I was bummed but what can you do. After the first acceptance speech (which neither of us really listened to) there was some hub-bub at the microphone about how it was a tie, a three-way tie. I heard this, and my better half didn't, so I had to quiet everyone down at the table which was done just in time, to hear his name be announced.

At this moment he had absolutely no idea what was going on and I had to tell him that he just won...adding more confusion because we just heard who won. So he went up to the microphone completely confused...and then made his speech.

In this speech he did a lot of thanking, of me. No, he didn't thank the cast, or pretty much anyone involved. Which is all anyone can seem to talk about.

Now, I've been snubbed in an acceptance speech before and yes, it sucks. However, again, I've never made one of these speeches and I don't know the pressure that comes with it. Adding to that, being announced as the winner when you just heard who the winner was, I would be super confused as he was. Plus, there was no speech and no plan and nothing written.

But all people can think about is "he didn't thank me".

He's never going to defend himself past "I had no idea what was going on" and frankly, if that's not enough for these people, then all I can say is...

Shut the fuck up.

You weren't up there, you don't know, you weren't in his head. You haven't been in his head for the past three years and as much as people care to think they "know" him, you have no idea.

I get being snubbed hurts. But if the people who feel they were snubbed can think nothing past their own feelings, then maybe they should remember that the next time they are up on that stage, out of nowhere, without a speech, in front of everyone....

....if it ever happens.

(photo courtesy of Alicia and Joe...I can't remember who took that....)

Dear Kanye

You're a worthless piece of garbage.

Love and Kisses,

Danielle

The Happy Waitress

I've decided that a part of this blog needs to get offtrack and be named "The Happy Waitress"....because as many of you know, that's what I do to keep my bank account afloat.


Today I had breakfast with my better half and we were discussing a class that should be mandatory before you are able to graduate high school: waiting tables. You should absolutely have to pass this, and screw having to pass gym because that is absolutely useless later in life...this course would be fantastic because if you're not learning how to behave in a restaurant from your parents, you can learn it in school and not be a fucking clusterass when you go out with your friends that think ordering water and fries is AOK and then tipping a dollar because you're all broke.

There are so many things that waiters have to deal with that cannot be explained. Every single shift I have some story about some ridiculous customer who probably thinks their behavior is fine and doesn't realize that a 10% tip is something that they can just keep because I'm not interested and obviously they need it more than I do.

Some people don't understand how stupid it sounds to ask if refills are free. Really? You don't have an extra $2? Great, that makes me feel wonderful about how much you're going to leave me at the end of the bill when you don't even have that money to quench your thirst.

Some people don't understand that when you sit there and deliberate your order in front of the waiter, you are keeping he/she away from other tables who probably did the exact same thing you are doing...and then when they do that and he/she doesn't get back to your table in time, you will reflect that in his/her tip when really it was your fault to begin with. When we ask "are you ready or do you need a couple of minutes?", there are two answer: yes, here's what we want or no, please come back...not, wait here while we discuss the menu in front of you because you obviously have nothing better to do like get back to your other tables who are deducting dollars from your tip because they think you are ignoring them. See?

All this and more coming in weekly editions (more if people are really retarded) of "The Happy Waitress".

Make sure you read them until there are mandatory classes that you have to take. I'm sure you all are doing something you think is normal when really, it's not and you should change. Yeah. That. Thanks.

Hanging yourself after you strangle someone...

So this guy is...worth 2.5 million (networth is bullshit because if that holds any merit then I live with a millionaire. Please.)

Anyway....he gets on Megan Wants a Millionaire...apparently he got kicked off but no one will ever see that. Why? Because the show was cancelled because he reported his wife (that he married after knowing her for 4 days after meeting her in the same strip club Megan worked at) missing, and then she turned up dead, naked, strangled and in a suitcase in a dumpster...then he fled to Canada...

Oh and he recently hung himself.

So the first thing I thought of (after WTF DID YOU CANCEL MY FAVORITE SHOW FOR VH1?!?!?) was...he strangled her and he hung himself.

Strangling someone takes a great deal of passion. It's exactly that: a crime of passion...snapping off someone's air, watching them die in your hands...gripping their throat. So I did a google search "strangling versus hanging"..and I came up with a ton of men who strangled their women and then hung themselves.

First off, hanging yourself can go wrong. And that can be painful. Why anyone would go that route I have no idea, but then again, I have no desire to take my own life.

Here's my thing...what's the correlation between hanging yourself after strangling someone. It can't be as simple as cutting off the air in your neck. There are like a billion ways to murder someone (you saw Saw 1, 2, 3 and 5 million right?) and I'm sure just as many to kill yourself...there has to be a parallel. So I'm curious...

What is it? What in the brain makes you strangle someone and then hang yourself? Why those two together? What is it?

Makes you think.

The Devil is in the Email....details

This picture is me, with my better half...aka the best piano player I know...and easily the best accompianist alive. Tike Bar time :)


As most of you know, I spend a good amount of time acting, mostly in theatre. Which means I spend even more time preparing for my auditions, auditioning, and then waiting by the phone or computer for the message that I've been called back or cast. Every time a director makes a decision it's very hard for me to try to get out of their heads and figure out what their reasoning is.








A few months ago I lost out on a role that I was perfect for, and frankly, better than anyone else at the callbacks. I was told, by the director, that I didn't look like the woman that would be playing my mother, which is weird because the role I was up for is the entire show and no one really gives two shits about the mother, what she looks like, etc. To further add salt to that wound, it's a courtroom drama for all three acts and we would both be sitting...the whole time...on opposite sides of the stage. Honestly, the audience wasn't going to care about the look of either actress, and knowing the politics of this particular theatre and how spineless this director is, I know that the reason I wasn't cast was because he caved. Unless he's one of those directors that doesn't cast based on talent level...I've never met one of those directors but I've heard they are out there.








The funny thing about that show is that I was practically begged to come out an audition and at the callback it was quite obvious I was the perfect choice. PS. I never say such arrogant remarks like that, it was just that clear. So it's frustrating in situations like that when you don't get cast because you feel you wasted your time. Which I did.





But I digress....








In my audition chaos, I recently auditioned for a show that I am not only fond of, but I feel, very good for. This show does rely on the interaction, looks, and chemistry of all the characters. It's a puzzle and everyone has to fit, so I believe.








I felt my audition was solid (aside from the really awful accompianist...though I am spoiled having the best piano player in the world living under my roof as my better half...) and I just found out I wasn't called back.








I've been on the fence and it is heavily debated how people should be contacted or not contacted if the director is not interested. Should a phone call even be made? Is it better to leave actors in the dark? Does it depend on the venue in which the show is being done?








I find that I'd rather not know in most instances. I'd rather never hear from them again until another audition notice goes up. Don't call me to turn me down, don't email, just don't bother. It's OK. I'm a big girl and I can handle it (because I can always smoke a cigar and have a glass/bottle of wine)....I've gotten my fair share of good roles, and fantastic opportunities and I eventually realize that God has a plan and that's what I trust in.








But let's talk about how crappy email is. You cannot hear tone, you cannot see expressions...it's black and white, yet people find all the colors of the rainbows in it...they hear what they want to hear, they disect it, they bring it to their friends to disect it...it's a clusterfuck basically. I've grown to hate communication via email, text, etc. I like this blog because I think you can hear my tone, and for those of you that know me, you absolutely can hear me.








So this show that I feel I'm perfect for...I just checked my email after having worked a 14 hour day yesterday. I see the subject line: "Callbacks for Little Shop".








Think about it. What does that subject line say to you?





"Callbacks for Little Shop."








Just process it. I can wait.

















...........








Body of the email?





"If you see your name on the below list you have been called back..."


(yeah....my name wasn't there...I checked about 40 times thinking I must have missed it....you know how it is when you want to see your name and you read and read the list over again because you simply must be missing it..after all, no way would your name JUMP out at you because you're used to seeing what it looks like...you must have missed it...)








Here's the issue: that subject line sucks. No one really thinks of a subject line, no one really gives it more than a nano-second of thought...but that nano-second is an eternity and from the time you see it to the time you read the body of the email you are so excited to see callback details.








What you see is a list, without your name basically saying "if your name is on this list you've been called back...if not, you haven't, regardless of how awesome you thought the subject line was."








It's weird, for a soceity so dependent on email, text, anything to avoid face to face or telephone conversation, we're still pretty sucky at it.





I never even thought about this type of situation popping up...but I know I will now be more careful with regard to my subject lines when sending emails, and maybe, if you're reading this, you will too.








Happy emailing.

Jaywalking in NYC

Jaywalking as defined by Wikipedia...."an informal term used to refer to illegal or reckless pedestrian crossing of the roadway."

Ok.

There we have it: stay in the crosswalk. Or at least that's what I take from it, and it seems many others do as well. (Yes, there are other ways to jaywalk but we're not talking about that right now)..If not, why have the crosswalks in the first place? Why not just run (nay, walk) across 6th Avenue perpendicular to traffic?

Why not? Because you could die is why not.

I'm a fan of driving in NYC. It's aggressive, it takes skill, and I think it's sexy. The pedestrians seem to know the rules, know when to cross and where to cross. Last week however, as I was turning onto 6th from 30 something or other, three girls came flouncing out into the middle of the road.

The. Middle. Of. The. Road. Not where the white lines are are the corners, but right in the middle.

I absolutely did not have enough time to stop so I slowed down as much as I could and swerved to the left where no one else was. Then I stopped at the red light.

PS, it's summer and my windows and sunroof are allllll open. This will prove to be a bad idea in NYC.

I catch a quick look of death from the three girls that are jaywalking across 6th but whatever, I figured that would be it.

It wasn't, or else this blog wouldn't be here.

So the leader of the pack decides to shout in my direction "take off the sunglasses princess."...and then she scurries off because it's easier to shout at me and run because I am, afterall, behind the wheel of a car...

And I shout back to her: "don't jaywalk and use the crosswalk like everyone else."

She turns around, does the little neck head movement thing and says "oh really?"

To which I say "yes really. See those white lines over there? Everyone else manages to use them and perhaps you should give it a shot."

She then looks at my license plate and says "Ok Jersey" (PS she is still in the middle of 6th Ave. SIXTH AVENUE!!!!)...and I say "Ok Jersey? It's a NYC law that you cannot jaywalk you complete and total moron."

I then drive away because the light is now green. I make sure she can't use the crosswalk until after I get through the light.

Here's the thing....as annoying as some drivers can be, I would never go up against one while on foot. Furthermore, I wouldn't do what she did in the middle of a super busy street, especially in NYC. Unless I completely lost both my mind and desire to live.

This whole situation had me shaking my head the entire drive down saying "really? no really?"...and there was no one in the car with me...which is a shame, because you really had to see this. But I hope I painted one hell of a picture...next time you're on 6 and 30 something, think of this story and I guarantee you'll laugh.

Oh, and please stay in the lines.