You're responsible for your actions. Cheers.

I could make this part of "Happy Waitress", but this extends past the customer/server relationship and things that go down at a bar. This is about being responsible for your actions and not putting the blame on everyone but yourself.

Recently, the restaurant that I occasionally work at lost their liquor license. Without getting into the details of why the license is gone, the subject came up of a girl drinking underage there with a fake ID....then getting behind the wheel of a car and killing herself because she was drunk.

I feel this way: you drink, you drive, you die=all your problems.

Should someone be served underage? No, they shouldn't. Same as people shouldn't be jeopardizing the license of a bar by providing a fake ID. And before you say it, no, I never had a fake ID. I never snuck into a bar, and the first time I partied at any of the bars at my college, I was legit 21. Now that that's out of the way....

If you're providing a fake ID and you get away with it, you have successfully put the bar you're drinking at in danger of losing its license, and the bartender in danger of losing their job/being fined a shit load of money. But what do you care because you really need to be cool and be at a bar with your friends. You bad ass person you.

Ok, so you're drinking at the bar with your fake ID...you have one too many...do you get behind the wheel? Of course you do, because you've proven how stupid you are in the first place by 1. using a fake ID and 2. getting drunk while using it. You didn't suddenly become intelligent and decide to hand your keys over to someone else...

So you get behind the wheel and you get into a car accident.

And you die.

The restaurant loses its license, is fined a bunch of money and the bartender is arrested. All because of YOUR choice to drink underage, provide a fake ID and then drive drunk. And die.

Is the restaurant your mother? Why should they hold your hand? Your ID looked real and they didn't have a scanner. You got served because you decided to deceive the bartender.

How is your death the bartender's fault? How is it the restaurant's?

Did the bartender hold a gun to your head and take you to get a fake ID? Did the owner of the restaurant force you to drink so much that you should never have gotten behind the wheel of a car? Did the staff at this restaurant insist that you drive the car?

No. No. and NO.

Your choice. You're responsible.

You died and no one should feel sorry for you.

Learn from your story? Sure. Feel sorry for you? Why?

If you had killed someone else and walked away untouched, people would insist that you should've died instead.

So now you're dead and because of your stupid, juvenile actions, a restaurant loses business and money...and now their servers lose money...maybe that money was paying for school or for a child that they have...maybe now they have to depend on the state or the government resulting in higher taxes...or maybe they get stuck without the education they were paying for because they can't get financial aid or a job since there basically are no jobs out there.

All because you needed to look cool with your fake ID and drink and drive.

You got what you deserve. I refuse to feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for all of the people you affected. Because even though no one was in that car besides you, you hurt plenty of people.

Cheers.

Lebron's Interview:The Trainwreck

This is a direct quote from the Lebron James interview that just took place where he announced he will be joining Miami Heat. This quote took place before he announced his choice. Let's play: what the fuck is wrong with this guy?


Jim: Out of the 6 teams that you sat down with, does the team that you are going to, know your decision?

Lebron: I just told them.

Here's why this is bad......you just told them? Well guess what buddy, now every team that you sat down with that doesn't have an answer from you KNOWS your answer is "no"....they now know that since they didn't receive a call from you, you won't be joining them.

And you know what Jimmy? Shame on you for asking such a boneheaded question!!! He's an athlete!! He doesn't know how to interview/speak. WTF were you thinking? You should be thinking for him and not setting traps. You're not Oprah interviewing Obama. It's a damn basketball player for crying out loud!! His job is to put the ball in the hoop, not do math!!!

This whole interview was a clusterfuck. There was no banter, it was: ask a question, get an answer, move on to the next question.

And who says this???: "Lebron, are you still a nailbiter?....because everyone around you has been biting their nails waiting for your answer."

Are. You. SERIOUS?!?!

Jimmy, how the hell did you score this interview? You asked the dumbest questions, you set him up (and didn't realize it despite the fact that it's your JOB), you were boring and you looked bored.

ESPN set up "The Decision" like crazy with Lebron looking up, arms outstretched. All that was missing was the crucifix. And yet, the thought that Jim Nantz was a good choice?

Worst interview ever. I would rather hear Barbara Walters ask Katharine Hepburn what kind of tree she thinks she is, then to ever hear this guy ask another question ever again.

As I'm wrapping up this blog I'm listening to Lebron say:

"Lebron has to do what makes Lebron happy."

Hope you're happy. Worst interview ever. I never want you or Jim to speak again. Ever. Thanks. xo.

Reply to all if all cares. All doesn't. Trust me.

File this under something a box of hair could do and therefore, if you can't, you're dumber than a box of hair. That's pretty dumb.

Welcome to the wonderful world of email. Where everyone thinks everything that have to say is interesting. If it's that interesting, start a blog.

This afternoon my blackberry has died. Why? Because the battery got drained to death because of the lovely "reply all feature".

It all started when an email was sent out from a group asking for volunteers. This group only cares about themselves so helping them isn't exactly on my list. Regardless, for some reason they have me on their mailing list. I don't reply, I don't say anything. I delete the email.

All of a sudden I start receiving emails from everyone on the list...I go back to my delete box and hit "reply all" to the email to see just how many people were on this list. Hint for everyone: just because it's BCC doesn't mean I don't know who's on the list. Hit "reply all" and tada, you can see every last email address. Didn't know that did you?

I see that the list is way to fucking long for me to process. I hit a "reply all" and implore (nicely) that people stop hitting that button to be removed from the list of if they have something to say. For instance, I couldn't give a rat's ass about little Johnny's graduation that will make it impossible for you to attend. Doesn't affect me at all so why did you reply all? It's not interesting and I don't care. So, "reply all" doesn't apply here.

That's the email I replied all to, asking that people refrain from doing that. Thank you.

Now my phone is dead. That's how many replies I received.

I replied to these people individually asking them not to reply all. You know what they said??????

"Stop emailing me".

Really? Fucking really? You're the one that replied all. You're the one that asked for it. You are dumber than a box of fucking hair!!!!

I'm also receiving a ton of emails that say "take me off the list"...when I hit "reply all" I see that they are sending this to multiple people. Why? Do you even know who I am? Probably not. In fact, I would guess that the people that sent the email in the first place don't know who I am because if that were the case I wouldn't be on the mailing list.

When someone emails everyone and asks them to lay off the reply all feature, don't respond. There's no response necessary. Read it, take it in, and fucking do it. Don't tell them to stop emailing you...don't tell them to take you off a list...don't tell them not to reply all when that's what you fucking did and exactly why you were being emailed IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

That's it. You're dumber than a box of hair...maybe one step above a pile of lawn clippings. And if you reply all one more fucking time, I'm sending porn to your computer at work (which I know you're at) and a virus to crash your computer.

So reply all one more time fucker. Watch what happens next.

Stupid box of hair.

I'm a dog

I have always been a dog person. I've never really gotten along with people. Mostly because I have trust issues and I'm a little high maintenance. That said, I never expect from people what I wouldn't give. I will toot my own horn and say that I break my back for those I care about but if you cross me or treat me like a doormat, I turn into a pitbull. I will go for your jugular, chew you to pieces and spit you out. I'm ruthless.

When I meet someone I don't care about first impressions. You get about 4 meetings to show me who you are. During that time, I'm cautious...I'm a poodle. I'm a total snob and you probably think I'm a bitch. I'm not. I'm just learning you and figuring out if you're worth my time. Because I know, that in me, you will have the best friend you ever wanted, but I won't waste that energy on people that suck.

If I'm your friend, I'm golden retriever. Ironically, I own two of them. I am loyal and will always have your back. I'm faithful and will stand by you whenever you need me. I listen when you have something to say. I'm excited when I see you. I'm dependable and you can run to me at 3am in a snowstorm. I'll be there. I'll keep you company. I'll show my teeth to people that threaten you. I won't play fetch, but I'll pick up the bar tab.

The only thing that's different is when you suddenly aren't my friend. Suddenly you're shady like a poodle I just met. You're aloof, you worry only about yourself, and you're suddenly not willing (and you never were, I just didn't know because I was too busy being your friend and caring about you) to go the distance and be there for me. You'd rather sacrifice the friendship then deal with the work it takes to maintain it. Or....you fucked me over. You acted like a cat and said shit behind my back. For the record, if dogs could talk, they wouldn't gossip. Cats would. I'm allergic to them.

A golden would let this go. A golden would let you do just about anything and keep coming back hoping you would love it.

I'm a pit bull. I'm a rottweiler. You cross me and I'll fuck you up. I'll attack, never worry about the consequences....I'll know I was right. I'll know you had a good thing and you let it go. I would've fought for you, been there and done anything for you. But unlike the golden, if you punch me in the mouth, you're going to get my teeth.

But if people were more like goldens, you would never see the attack dogs.

My goldens show their teeth when they feel I'm in danger. If I was attacked, I'm sure they would bite. But they are always there and they will always take my side even when I'm wrong.

I'm 90% golden. If you cross me, I'm one of those dogs you see put down in shelters. The ones that showed their teeth and the ones that clamp down on those that hurt them.

Maybe if you were more of a golden, I would've been less of a pit.

People like her make me hate the human race

This is my car after the snowstorm i.e. Blizzard of Biblical Proportions i.e. a lot of fucking snow. This picture was taken around 8am, less than 12 hours after the snow stopped. The car to the left belongs to my better half, is a stick shift and is equally as buried. My better half works in Manhattan...clearly we do not live there. Look at all of the trees. See?

This morning, I cleared out my car because I have to go to work this evening. The shoveling included the snow behind my car that was put there by the plows around 4am this morning. An hour and a half later, my car was clear. My better half left for Manhattan at 7am this morning in his other car, leaving the one pictured under two feet of snow. Whatever, he doesn't need it until Saturday anyway...and since he works 8,000 jobs, he isn't going to get to shovel it before this weekend, and since I do as well, neither will I...I shoveled what I could but I thought I was going to die so I stopped.

Anyway....around 1pm today they started bulldozing the snow and they knocked on my door asking me to move my cars. I explained that while I could move mine, I cannot move the other as it is a stick shift, and I don't have a set of keys. Why would I? It's a stick, which again, I cannot drive. They say- Ok.. (reluctantly) and leave. I call my better half and inform him just so he knows what is going on. I ask him to call the president of the board (We live in a condo community) and tell him "thanks for the notice about moving our cars"...and then...


.....and then this blonde troll like woman on the board comes over. She explains that both cars have to be moved. I explain that I can move mine but not the other as 1. it is stick 2. I don't drive stick and 3. I don't have keys...because...see number 2.

She tells me she's going to tow his car. I explain that I will sue her if she does that. She tells me to go ahead.

No problem. I'm no stranger to the Court system (because I worked around one for 6 years..) and I'll gladly take this to civil court.

She's writing down my license plate and his...and um, I guess she forgot that I said I would be moving my car. I ask her again if she's planning on towing his car because if she said yes, I'm calling the cops. She says "yes". Great. I dial 911 and the cops arrived in less than 2 minutes. Very impressive.

In between then the bulldozing snow crew who all were very nice offer to move my better half's car...and I explain that I do not have the keys because I don't drive stick. At this point, I've called said better half so he can hear everything that is going on, while he is at work, in the city, doing something slightly more important than yelling at me to move a car that I can't fucking drive.

I move my car and tell the snow crew they can push the other car if they want, which they decline because it might be in gear or whatever. I don't know, I don't speak "stick".

During this time, said blonde troll from the board is screaming at me that the rules are in the guidelines, etc. I tell her that we would've moved our cars this morning had we known about the plowing...which she tells me she couldn't have predicted..and what was she supposed to do, "notify everyone?".

IT'S YOUR FUCKING JOB THAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR. Yes, notify people that plowing will take place on the 11th, so if people could move their cars before that, that would be super.

But no, they didn't do that. Why? Because blondie says "it's in the bi-laws" and she "doesn't have to"...and "doesn't have time to call everyone" and "115 other people were able to move their cars".

To which I say "115 other people had the luxury of staying home today to do that".

WTF kind of stupid comments does this woman think she is making?!?!?!

Cops show up, calm everything down, but explain to me that she can tow the car if it's in the bi-laws. I say that there were 5 snowstorms last year and we never moved our cars once. This was also not the first storm this year and we have not moved our cars. Furthermore, if she had called last night to tell everyone that plowing would take place today, we could have moved our cars this morning...to which she says, and this is my favorite:

"Where would you have moved them? Everything was covered in snow."

BINGO YOU INSIPID TROLL. Nowhere! Why not? Because you didn't plow until the middle of the workday. You gave us no place to put our cars in advance of plowing and only provided a place at 1pm when most people are at work. It is not my problem that the rest of the complex got to sit on their asses at home again today and therefore were able to move their cars.

I also explain that we were at the last homeowner's meeting, and while she may have been on the board for the past ten year's, she wasn't there...and during that meeting we discussed snow removal, using a different company, etc...but we never discussed moving cars...and since we never moved them once during the 5 storms last year you would think that if this was an issue or a rule, it might come up. It didn't. And when I say this, what does this woman say? "We don't have to, it's in the bi-laws"....

And round and round we go. She agrees to only fine us $50 and she won't tow the car. Gee, how big of you. Where is that $50 going? In your pocket I assume because you totally picked a number off the top of your head. When I asked the fine you stared off into space and then decided on a number. Unreal.

People like her make me hate the human race. There was no reason for all of that drama. There was no reason for her attitude and her threats. There was no reason that police officers had to waste their time with that when there are people in real trouble with this storm. None.

The car can't be moved- we weren't given notice and even if we were, there was nowhere (ADMITTED BY MISS "I'VE BEEN ON THE BOARD FOR TEN YEARS") to even move our cars until the middle of the work day. How you can't look at this situation and see that there is no fair way to deal with this and just say "look- I know this is impossible, so just in the future, can you move your car and we'll look into a place you can move it...or we'll figure something out and talk it over with the board", is beyond me. Why this woman insisted that she was right just by citing the "rules" is unbelievable.

But you better believe this isn't over. No one talks to me like she did and absolutely I'll be at that next board meeting and writing letters until then.

Damn I hope she reads this.

Eat Something.

Too thin for the drugs she was taking for her anemia.

So a drug overdose? Not really. The LA Coroner says that her death was "preventable" if she had seen a doctor instead of taking all of that over-the-counter medication. As of right now, reports say the drugs weren't illegal but a full report will be available in two weeks.

Everyone that wanted to believe she didn't die due to a drug overdose can rest easy, sort of. I mean, technically she did...but that overdose could have been avoided if she had gone to the doctor or her body had been in the shape it needed to be in to handle the anemia.

But it wasn't in the right shape, in fact, it was too thin.

This girl came into Hollywood as the cute, adorable, bubbly actress...and then we watched her wither away before our eyes. Not unlike Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams, or other Hollywood starlets. Now, in part due to her thin frame, she is dead.

I'm guessing this won't be a wake up call to the actresses that choose to eat white powder instead of actual food. Which is a shame. I am all for being thin and staying in shape. I constantly am baffled with how out of shape the general American population is...especially by the ones that make excuses about their "thyroid" and then take the escalator instead of the stairs every single time. But the thinness of some of these girls is ridiculous.

I get that there is pressure in this industry, but wow....there are so many actresses that are in good shape (not where I can see their bones) and doing well. Curvy actresses like Scarlett Johanson, Eva Mendes, Salma Hayek...all doing well and eating. I can't understand why actresses feel the need to look like a rack of bones and then consume drug after drug after drug. I don't care if they are prescription, over the counter or illegal. How stupid can you possibly be?

Furthermore, how much do you take your own life and everything you have for granted? Do you have problems? Yes...but I'm guessing the guy on the streets of NYC, living in a box in the snow that doesn't eat because he can't afford to, has slightly bigger issues than you.

Pay a shrink, buy some friends, go shopping, take a vacation...spend whatever money you need to get some help in a form other than white powder. Your problems are inconsequential and a laugh to the dad that just lost his job and has to support his entire family...or to the couple who lost their only child to a drunk driver....or to the business owner that declared bankruptcy and is now living on the streets.

You all can afford doctors and the best care in the world. You all have a life that so many envy and wish they could attain, yet never will. You all accepted the stress that comes with being "a star". Deal with it better.

Tim Tebow should stick to football.

Tim Tebow is currently under fire for putting together a "pro-life" commercial that he was hoping CBS would air during the superbowl. The 30 second spot would cost about $2.5 million and no, not a dime came out of Timmy's pockets. Furthermore, the Jaguars, who are said to be the team interested in the quarterback when the draft comes around, has supported him. Today, so did the NY Times...sort of.

I, for one, am now even happier that Alabama killed Florida and made Timmy cry. And if I owned a football team, there is no way I would extend an offer to him because Lord knows what he would say when wearing a jersey for my team. Shut up and play football.

I have no problem with people stating their views but I do have a problem with them being forced on me. It is bad enough that he preaches anytime a mic is put in front of his face, but now this?

Let me ask you something Timmy...do Atheists have the right to say "there is no God" if they are handed a mic? I'm guessing you don't think so. What about a commercial advocating being pro-choice? What if one of your teammates was a Satan-worshiper and everytime he won a game, he thanked the prince of darkness? Would that jive with you? No? OK, so why do you push your beliefs on everyone else?

This commercial is ridiculous and no one needs to see it. Tim says that his mother is supportive of it and the reason for that? Because she was urged to have an abortion and didn't...and now we have Tim Tebow, the great quarterback. Ok, super. If she did have the abortion, I guess this commercial wouldn't even be on the table...and what if Timmy had become a low-life drug dealer? Would Pam constantly wish that she had that abortion?

Look, I don't care if you're conservative or not, religious or not, but putting a commercial on the air preaching these views is unacceptable. Even more unacceptable is the fact that the commercial is not being funded directly by Tebow, but by "several generous sources". Who are these people? Why aren't they publishing their names? Why the secret? How can you put that kind of money being something and then hide? Aren't you proud of what you're saying and what you belief? What cowards.

This whole thing is a joke. There is no place for a commercial like this. You live your life the way you want and I will live mine the way that I want. I don't judge you and you are welcome to be pro-life all you want....but you have no right to tell others to do the same. It's ridiculous how it's always, always, the pro-lifers preaching and judging...pro-life yet pro-death penalty in the same breath.

Shut up you preachy fools. Save your values for your own home. Raise your family with them. Do whatever you want.

Just don't interrupt a football game, or any other program on television with your views. We aren't listening and you may as well have just set $2.5 million on fire...because if this commercial were to air, trust me...no woman is going to change her mind about having an abortion because she might just give birth to the next college superstar quarterback.

Happy Waitress: This required no effort. I just twinkled my nose.

In the restaurant I work in, we offer a to-go service...it's become more and more popular with actual food places so you aren't restricted to McD's, White Castle (though OMG their pulled pork=heaven), and Burger King. There is a very large difference between restaurants and fast food places...and that difference is?

I get $2.13 an hour whether you get to-go or sit down at my bar or at a table...while their workers..um...get more. Which means, the proper thing to do, is tip. If you don't tip, I essentially worked for free. Let me break it down for you.

You probably think I had nothing to do with this order. After all, all you do is call up, place your order, and then when you show up it's there for you to pay for and take it home. Would you like to know what happens in between all of that? Awesome, because I'm going to tell you.

You call up and I answer the phone. I take your order which is very difficult. Why? Because while you're sitting on your ass at home trying to figure out what to order, I'm trying to manage my actual customers at the bar that will indeed tip me. Unlike customers at a table, I can't say to you: "are you ready or do you need a few minutes to decide?"...so how about this. Decide and then call. Don't give me "um" this and "hm" that...and please don't have a conversation with your friends about what they want while I'm on the phone. I don't have time for that. The menu is online and you know if you pulled this shit with a Chinese restaurant they would go moo-goo-gai pan on your ass and hang up the phone. Get it together and then call.

So while everyone at my bar is on hold, as well as all of the girls on the floor who need drinks for their tables, I'm waiting on you to decide what you want and then tell me so I can place your order. Once that is done, I have taken your order and told you my name so you know who to ask for when you come in.

When your order comes out of the kitchen, I double check it and I put it in bags. I print out the checks- draw little hearts on it and staple it together. When you come in, I have to ignore everyone at the bar (again) and all of the girls who need drinks (again) to get you your order.

So...when I hand you your order, with your check, why don't you tip me? I took your order as if you were here eating...I got it from the kitchen...as if you were here eating....I put it together and got you your check...as if you were here eating...and I took your money for the bill...as if you were here eating. I do the same amount of work and ignore other people for you (other people that tip me) so where the fuck do you get off racking up a $75.00 bill and not tipping me. I didn't just twinkle my nose and have everything appear.

I understand that people don't get it...which is why I put this here...I admit that I was stupid like this too once...but I'll take it further...

This past Sunday the Jets lost...I mean played a super great game (and lost- oh well they suck anyway and Sanchez can bite me) and the restaurant was packed. OMG packed. I've never been so swamped ever...thankfully I was being the bar with another competent bartender...however, we received at least $1,000 of to-go orders with no tips. NONE. There was a line out the door of to-go orders and I could barely walk away from the phone for more than two seconds (because more orders were coming in) to deal with any of them. So, between me and the other girl behind the bar, we were running around like crazy.

Let me tell you what is the most annoying thing in the world...when people CHARGE a to-go order and then put a BIG line through the "tip" line. That's a conscious decision to NOT tip. You are TELLING me that we did nothing.

It got to the point where people were cutting in line and I finally had to put someone in their place and use them to make a point to everyone else....I said..

"Go to the back of the line"...and he said he was in a rush...and I lost it...so it went a little something like this:

"I do not care that you are in a rush. We are dealing with over a thousand dollars of to-go orders and yet no one feels it necessary to tip either of us and we're splitting tips as is...so we are now working for the girls on the floor because they tip us out at the end of the night. If you want my attention, start throwing down money.Otherwise, walk your ass to the back of the line and wait for your turn to pick up a hundred dollars worth of food that just magically appeared so you can justify not tipping me!"

Here's the deal: when you pick up to-go orders, the same exact work that goes into taking care of you while you're there, goes on when you are not. Tip at LEAST 10%. MINIMUM....especially if we're crazy busy. We make less than $3 an hour. So keep that in mind next time you call me for something to-go.

The Happy Waitress: What the $#^% is wrong with you?!

There really is no better subject line for this week's "Happy Waitress" column, and after you're done reading this, I'm sure you will agree.

I've been through this before: I can spot a bad tipper/group of bad tippers when they walk in the door. So can any other waitress with 1 day on the floor. Yes they have a certain "way" about them and most times they fall into certain categories. This category would be "high school kids who have parents that didn't teach them manners and now it's too late because they are 17 and know absolutely everything..there um...ever was to know. Ever."

I made the mistake of taking this table (I had the chance to pass, but thought I didn't know my own intuition as well as I really absolutely do) of 13 high school brats last week. This blog is long overdue, so my apologies. They came in, loud, obnoxious, high on "OMG it's Christmas/New Year's Break and even though we can't drink, we probably do but it's OK cause we're like sooo cool and acting like jackasses makes us....um...COOLER!!!" Yeah!! Dance of coolness ensues.

Cut to drink order: water, water, water, water, water, water......water. So, as if their actions already as they entered the restaurant didn't scream "you ain't gettin' NO tip from us!", this just hammered in the last nail to the coffin. I bring over 3-4 pitches of water, glasses and straws. I already have plenty of tables and another party of 15, so I won't have time to go to the table, get a refill for someone and then bring it back only to hear that two more people want refills. There's no possible way to do it. None.

Before I even take their dinner order (extremely difficult because they are having a full blown conversation over the orders..um...can you shut up please?) they are asking if we're having that special we typically have that night.

Of course we are. Otherwise, your cheap asses probably wouldn't be here. Can I get you another water with that?

They all order the special. The special is an all you can eat special, which I translate to "all I can run back and forth from their table to the kitchen all night". Every single order that comes out I make sure the table, which they have now expanded to THREE tables, is clear so they have room to eat. They always have enough water and they always have enough clean plates. In fact, they never have to ask for anything. I'm good like that. I don't want my customers to have to ask, I can read their minds, and I'm happy to do it...not for free...but I'm happy to do it.

As the evening progresses (you know they were there for close to four hours, taking up all of my time and most of my tables) I see that their cups are red. Water, as we all know is um...clear. So eventually they come clean that they've been daring each other to "drink that"...some mix of water, hot sauce, pepper, salt and whatever else they could find on the table. So I get the lovely task of clearing all of the cups (reminder: that's 13) and bringing out all new cups as well as new pitchers (4) of.....WATER. As I'm listening to them tell me that "he started it", and ask for more water (WHAT THE $#*@ DO YOU THINK I'M DOING AT YOUR TABLE GENIUS?!) I stop them all and tell them that no, I am not their mother. I am their waitress. I do not have time to babysit them and they are making my job way harder than it actually has to be. Furthermore, now the people in the back have to take time to wash all of these cups that were perfectly fine to begin with because they decided to play a game of "let's see who will drink this." They "apologize" and I tell them to put all of the cups to the table behind them and I will bring out new everything. Before I can even walk away they are already ordering their next round of "all they can possibly eat ever"...Dude- REALLY?! I'm trying to clean up your &*%&ing mess- you can wait a hot second.

So I bring back everything I said I would and then ask them for their next order. In the midst of this I hear the following, "HE WON'T SHARE THE WATER WITH ME!" Damn, your parents must be proud. I look over there, exclaim that they must be kidding me and that, again, I'm not their mother so this is not my problem. Four or five courses later, and after the floor is COVERED with chicken bones, wrappers, straws, and the contents of a pinata, they want the check.

I can't wait to see how right I am.

The bill: $237.00...once the discount for these punk ass bitches is applied, the bill is under $200. I'm handed a wad of cash and asked to count it to make sure it's right.

Half the group walks out the door and I then point out to them that they handed me the right amount assuming they only wanted to tip me $3.

WHAT THE &#$% IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

I no longer care and walk up to the remaining group of pointless losers that will depend on their parents until they are 40, and contribute to this crap ass New Jersey/American soceity that we already live in and hear them ask if a tip was left. I explain to them that yes, I was tipped $3. That they each couldn't even have left a DOLLAR for me to come CLOSE to 10%. I then tell them that they never needed anything, were rude, that I have to clean up after their mess and that their crap kept me from other tables during the evening which didn't help my tips with others. They got the best they could have gotten and for what? Why on Earth do worthless children with parents that obviously sucked at raising them deserve such good service?

One guy hands me $5, says he's really sorry and that's all that he can afford.

Nice gesture but McDonald's is across the street. No tipping necessary there. Oh, and there are wings in the convenience store next to us for the future. Go there.

Then, yes, it keeps going, one of them has the audacity to ask for another round of all he can eat and I tell him that the offer is over at 11pm. It's 11:07. He asks if there's anything I can possibly do...to which I say...depends how much you possibly tipped. Oh wait, nothing? So no, I can't help you. Get out and never come back.

Where on Earth do you get off asking a favor after tipped $3 on a $181 bill that was originally $237? Where? Let me guess, when you're in a bind, mommy and daddy swoop in with credit cards don't they? There's a reality show waiting for you somewhere I'm sure.

They leave, I have $8 from that bill. I guarantee they will never come back.

Although, they are that stupid so they just might. I hope they sit with me....

Defeating the purpose

I recently made a trip to a sports outlet to pick up a ski mask for a football game. This is a rather large store that caters to people that are fit, work out and play sports. Skiers, gym rats, bikers...people that work out. You can smell the fitness in the air when you go inside the store. But before you go inside, you have to park.


As I pull into the parking lot I noticed a line of handicap spots along my right side. About 9 to be exact. The last handicap spot at the sports store was all the way in the back of the lot.

Am I missing something here? Isn't the point of the handicap spots to get those that are disabled as close to the entrance as humanely possible? Don't people park in these spots that aren't handicap because they are too lazy to walk from a spot designated for them?

Furthermore, it's a sports shop. Tell me why you need 9 handicap parking spots which count for almost a third of the spots there!

And no, no one was parked in any of these spots. During the holiday season when you're not necessarily shopping for yourself, no one was parked in these spots.

My guess is, because if there were any handicap shoppers there, they would be better off parking in a spot that isn't designated for anyone. Because those spots are a hell of a lot closer to the door.

If you insist on having 9 parking spots for those that are handicapped, why not make the first couple of spots in each row for these people? What happens if the first 5 or 6 are taken and the rest of the parking lot is full? So someone in a wheelchair has to park practically on the highway?

I don't know who thought of this parking lot or who approved it or which person is the bigger moron. All I know is if I was in a wheelchair and had to park in the bushes because the parking lot was jammed with holiday shoppers and jocks buying for themselves, I would kick some serious ass when I got there.

The Happy Waitress: McDonald's is across the street

So, last night I had a table of college kids that were clearly under 21. They didn't really fit the "mold" of the type of customers that come into where I work but whatever...there were four friends, three guys and a chick. I swear this wrote itself...

I introduce myself to the table and take their drink order...I was expecting 4 waters and was surprised to only hear 1 water and 3 cokes. Cool. Maybe I misjudged them when they walked in the door (has never happened and still hasn't...just wait)

I bring over their drinks and ask if they are ready to order or need a few minutes. Upon asking them this, I see a pile of cash (mostly singles and fives) and on top of that pile, coins. I do not work in a strip club and this is not a pretty site. Their response to me is: "Um...can you give us a few minutes while we work out the cash situation?"

Seriously? If you can't afford to go out and you're counting your pennies, get your shit together before you leave the house. I understand being broke but I would never show up to a restaurant and count my money including coins (who even carries coins anymore) in front of the waitress. Get the hell out of here with that.

I give them around 5 minutes to figure it out. It's not a terribly expensive menu and there are plenty of options. When I come back they state that they still aren't ready.

5 more minutes go by.

When I come back they point to a platter on the menu and ask me what that would cost, plus the drinks, plus tax. To which I say "plus tip". Yeah that's right. I said it. Why? Because I wasn't going to get a tip anyway so I'm not in any real danger. And, shit like this should never be tolerated. The customer is not right in this case and frankly, this is why there should be a "waiting tables" course taught before you are allowed to graduate high school. No one ever uses gym, but that course, they would use.

Anyway, I go to the computer and type in their request, void it out and come back to the table with their number. To which they laugh about how they cannot afford that (the number was under $50 between four people just FYI).

7 minutes go by.

I come back and they've decided they can afford it. Fine. Order in. Food out. Anyone need a refill?

You can guess what comes next right? "Are they free?"

Refills done, everything's done...and they want the check. Here ya go.

I give them plenty of time to count out the pennies...come back and they push the pile of cash across the table and say that it's for the bill, and could I put my tip on their credit card?

No, I cannot. The computers don't work like that, but if you tell me how much you want on the card then I'll keep the leftover cash as my tip.

They say "$10".

Whoa! I was wrong? You're going to leave me $10 on a $44 bill? Sweet.

They then tell me that they have waited tables before so they feel really bad.

(dangerous statement to make if you cannot back it up by the way)...

I take the credit card. Swipe. Declined. Swipe again...this is for $10 remember...and declined. Again.

I go back to the table and inform them of this which they say "I knew it.." I give them a few minutes to figure it out, guard the door and then go back to the table. They express how embarassed they are but because they've been in my position before two of them are going to stay and the other two are going to get more money.

A full hour goes by before two of them come back. I don't even go over to the table. I'm done.

End result? $4 on a $44 bill.

OH wait. So...I was right...again?

Always am, always will be. I know it when you walk in the door.

Next time either order something cheaper because you know you've "been in my position before" and "feel awful" or go to McDonald's. All you did was cost me money as your tip goes directly to the hostess and the bartender for tipout. Thanks for nothing and do not come back.

Happy Waitress: Close Your Mouth

Welcome to another installment of "The Happy Waitress"...inspired by how bad manners really can get beyond the bad tipping/no tipping at all.

I recently had a table, two women, who were clearly ready to save a lot of money as when I went over to their table I couldn't even introduce myself before they barked at me "wings are 25 cents tonight, right?!"

I corrected her stating that they were "50 cents each and not 25". To which she, of course, then said that she called ahead of time and was told otherwise. You know what, who the hell calls up and asks how many quarters wings are? Really? I can't wait to see what kind of a tip you'll be oh-so generous to leave. Anyway, that's not what this blog is about.

After clearing up the whole 50 cents versus 25 cents debate I ask if they would like blue cheese, ranch or celery and (here comes the surprise) they ask if it's extra. Of course it's extra but whatever. So they only want one each. Super.

Order in, order out, food on the table and I ask "are you guys all set...is there anything you need right now?" Answer: "No". Mk.

3 minutes later I come back to check in with them and I guess they felt that I was going to run away from the table because they felt the need to tell me they needed more blue cheese. WITH A MOUTH FULL OF BLUE CHEESE AND WINGS.

DIS-FUCKING-GUSTING!!!!

Are you kidding me? I don't need to see you chew up a dead bird with wing sauce and blue cheese...especially in your mouth full of jacked up teeth. And you know what? If I wanted to give you another blue cheese for free, I technically could, but now? Absolutely not. Chew your fucking food and fucking swallow it. I. Can. Wait. There is no need to show me how you chew. I'm not interested. No wonder you're not here on a date. Ew. Vomit. Puke.

I turned my head down because I seriously thought I was going to hurl, and headed back to the kitchen to pick up another blue cheese.

That's another 69 cents please. Next time shut your mouth and I'll hook you up.

Foul. Just foul.

It's Connecticut, not Texas

This week I crossed off another place that I will not travel to unless there is a car getting me there and taking me back. Oh, and it has to be paid for. If you're wondering where the other places are, here: Philadelphia (I'm convincing nothing good comes out of there/happens there...ever) and Westchester (no comment even necessary).

Now moving to the top of the list: Connecticut.

I had a photoshoot scheduled this past Monday. I responded to a casting that was for NYC models for a shoot to take place in NYC. In case you're wondering, NYC is in NY and not Connecticut. I know, confusing.

The photographer gets back to me last minute that he would like to hire me, but he needs me to travel to Connecticut (I'm going to start naming this "CT" because typing the name of this state is more annoying then actually traveling there) because he has a meeting that night and can't make it to NYC and back in time.

Fine. He's in New Haven which is straight up Route 95 so great, and super easy. I can get up there, shoot and get back in time for rehearsal.

So I leave at 6:30am est (NYC and CT are in the same time zone) to make it for a 9:30am shoot, which is an hour extra just because I'm worried about traffic. I get into NY state and see the following on a large blinking neon sign:

"EXITS 19-21 IN FAIRFIELD, CT CLOSED DUE TO ACCIDENT. PLAN ALTERNATE ROUTE".

Guess who doesn't live in CT and has no idea what alternate route would be smart? Hi, that's me. No problem, I think that maybe by the time I get through NY and into CT the accident will be gone. Of course, my hopes are dashed when I see the same sign by the time I cross into CT and reach exit 5.

So, now 8am, I call the photographer, alert him of the situation and ask him what he suggests for an alternate route being that the accident is only 20 miles south of his studio.

Answer: I don't know. I don't drive in that area.

Interesting...because this is how you would get to NYC, which is where the casting originally was. Oh, and if someone was travelling to me and were 20 miles away in ANY direction, I could give them an alternate route. But that's me and I have a brain. Oh, and we're not in Texas, we're in Connecticut. I'm one or two counties away and this moron can't tell me where I should go?

He then tells me that I should have a GPS. Super. How about you airlift one to me. Oh wait, you don't know where I am jackass.

This is where I should've turned around (especially when he told me that he hadn't even HEARD about an accident 20 miles from his studio) but because I'm a reliable professional model, I pressed on and called my best friend. I said "I'll give you 20 bucks if you can tell me where I am." She can't guess, I inform her and what do I hear from my best friend who is at work in New Jersey?

"WHAT?! You can't go to CT!!! There is a huge fuel spill and 95 is closed."

Weird how while in NJ, she knew that, yet the fabulous CT photographer had no idea what I was talking about because he thinks his state is the size of the entire country!!!!!

At 9:00 I hit the wall. Car in park. Can't roll down the windows because it's 80 fucking degrees out and there are bees flying into my car (Hi, I'm allergic) and my phone rings. It's fabulous CT photographer asking me my status.

I explain to him where I am and I get a reaction that sounds like he just smoked about 4,579 trees... "Oh...wowzers."

Wowzers?! Fucking wowzers? Really asshole?

I inform him that next exit I get to, I'm turning around and going home because I need to be in Jersey, on stage at 2pm. He's basically like "OK whatever".

I get to the next exit around 10:30am est. I turn around and go home.

I spent over 6 hours in the car that day to take a tour of NJ, NY and part of CT. I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that this genius couldn't 1. express any sympathy or 2. give me directions from where I was when I was only 20 miles south of his studio.

CT, you're officially off the list. Suck on that.

Happy Waitress: Closing Time...

The picture may be fuzzy but the message to the women in black was clear: we are closed. See all of those chairs that are sitting upsidedown on tables? It's not a fancy new decoration and we aren't trying to invent a new way to sit...we're trying to tell you that those hours on the door aren't just numbers for fun.

The two ladies you see before you entered the restaurant while looking at the hours that were on the door...perhaps they thought we were using Central or Pacific time, but we weren't. We use Eastern time and they entered an empty restaurant 13 minutes before our closing time.

After being served dinner, we found out, those were just the appetizers and that they wanted more. Awesome, because now we're 2 minutes from closing which means that the kitchen is still open.

And once those two minutes are up, and their food is rushed to the tables, the chairs go up, the televisions go off, the signs go off, and we all sit there and count our money and wait.

And wait.

And....wait.

15-20 minutes after "closing time"...you know, those hours that are printed directly onto the glass front doors....the ladies clad in black sit surrounded by wooden chairs and angry chicas who just want to go home.

I would never, ever, want food from a kitchen that was just about closed. I also will not eat in an empty restaurant. That's icky. But these two didn't seem to mind and they aren't alone as this happens all the time.

I can see if there's a major game on. There wasn't. I can see if the restaurant is packed. It wasn't. I can see if the weather doesn't suck completely. It did.

But come on. You know that we were closing, you came in anyway, and then you ordered apps and dinner...and then you see that no one can leave because you're still here.

You must be in the fabulous group of "I've never waited tables before".

But that's OK. Sit there. Enjoy your food. Alone.

And please enjoy the atmosphere of lights off, no music and chairs surrounding you.

Artistic License

Theatre is very interesting. Full of opinions, ideas, conversations...and artistic license.

I recently auditioned for a production of "Joseph" and found out last night that I was not cast. Not a big deal, as much as I would love to do the show (and be paid to do it) it will come around again and this theatre is almost two hours away from my house.

And this particular theatre is full of artistic license, that I can't wrap my head around.

They say that you can't get upset when you don't get cast becuase you never know what they are looking for. I whole heartedly believe that because there are roles I've been asked to audition for that I was convinced I was wrong for, and there are roles I didn't get that I was convinced I was perfect for.

Then there are the roles you don't get because they were pre-cast. I'm all for pre-casting, especially if you have the perfect people. For some shows, I'd even recommend it.

However, if the director or staff wants to go against the norm (really push the envelope in my opinion) then that needs to be made clear from the jump.

The only role I am interested in for "Joseph" is the narrator. In the room I was in, every single female said the same exact thing. I came to find out that the role of the narrator was going to be given to a guy.

So...is Joseph going to be played by a girl? Are we renaming the show "Josephine and her technicolor lingerie...?" I think that's a smaller leap than making the narrator a male.

Furthermore, the only featured female role in the entire show is the narrator.

There was no mention of this before the audition, at the audition, nothing. So no female there knew they were auditioning for a role that they weren't even going to be considered for.

I'm all for artistic license and being creative, but when you take for granted the time people take to audition for a show then you are wrong.

To add to this, the director that was putting together this show has since removed himself from this show. They cast the show (according to the email I received last night) after a sit down session with the former director, current musical director and choreographer. So they had a "pow-wow" and cast the show based on...I have no idea.

This is the biggest clusterfuck I've ever auditioned for. I cannot understand how you can take artistic license like this and keep it a secret. Newsflash to this theatre: there were ten women that I came in contact with that only wanted to be considered for the narrator, not including myself. It would have been awesome if you mentioned that the role isn't even up for grabs.

Oh, and if you could pay for my gas and time that I lost that day for absolutely nothing, I'd appreciate it.

Stupid questions you've asked a waitress

Since Jess has told me I'm slacking on my Happy Waitress Blog (she's right) I'm here to blog...lucky you :P

The Happy Waitress- Stupid Things You've Asked....

At almost every restaurant I've been in I have been seated by a host or hostess. They put me at a table, I sit there, order, eat, leave (a tip) and that's it. Unless there is a screaming child next to me or someone simply too obnoxious to sit next too (I'm all for drinking, but if I catch you making an ass of yourself on a Monday at 1pm, I'll video it and put it on youtube), then I will ask to move. But other than that, where you put me, I'm staying.

And so should you. Why? Because there are sections in a restaurant and when you ask to move or even worse, get your ass up and move yourself (and then bitch that no one has come over....newsflash, we didn't know you moved, we're not psychics) you are taking away a table from the waitress who had that section (most likely).

Stupid question number 1:

"Can I sit over there?" *points to table 40 miles away from where they were sat*

I've been asked numerous times before if refills were free. This questions sends pangs of "OMG if you can't afford a $2 drink, you are probably going to leave me less than that as a tip". Last night, that question was topped by a table of "so cool teenagers (the type of guys I went to highschool with that are now either in jail or still living at home not making money) that ordered two sodas...there were five of them. When I asked the others what they would like I received a resounding "naw- I'm good yo." Your parents should be proud. To top it off, they each ordered the special (no surprise there) and one asked "does it come with a drink". I examined my uniform, saw that it didn't say "McDonald's" on it and replied that no, it does not come with drink or toy as we are not a fast food restaurant.

Stupid question number 2:

"Does this meal come with a drink?"

NJ State Law says that you have to have an ID proving your age while drinking at a bar/restaurant. Our restaurant has a sign that is four feet tall (seriously) that explains this. We therefore card everyone. Every-one. I get carded when I drink there off my shift.

What I super-duper appreciate is the one-liners/jokes/almost witty but not really remarks that people choose to make because I have the nerve to card them. Dear "I don't know the law and chose to ignore the four foot tall sign by the front door and think I'm cute anyway" person: The longer you keep me at your table busting my chops, the longer I'm away from other tables. The longer I'm away from other tables, the faster my tip goes does. So when I'm not back at your table lickity-split, please remember that it's probably because someone thought they were just as cute as you and they are giving me a hard time about me carding them.

Here's a thought, when you're asked for your id, show it. Don't give the waitress a look like she just asked for a kidney...especially when she handles your food.

Stupid Question Number 3:

"Why do I have to show you my ID?"

Tipping is very interesting and many people think that less than 10% is appropriate, event when they get the best service. I've been to other places, and trust me, my service is better than most. Plus, the restaurant I work at, you're staring at my tits and ass, and getting food that you could get anywhere else, or even at a diner. But let's face it, you're there to look at the waitresses, not because the food is five stars. So how about showing it at the end of the night?

A $50 bill does not mean a $3 tip. No, it doesn't. It means $6-$10. Yes, yes it does. Why? Because we have to tip out....but this question isn't about tipping. It's about what happens when you don't, and you get your food wrapped...and you leave it there as everyone often does.

If you leave less than 10%, get your food wrapped and then forget it...and then remember it, and then come running back in for it 3 minutes later, the dumbest question you could possibly ask is:

"Is my food still on the table?"

Answer: No, I threw it out. Next time don't be so cheap.

This concludes my Happy Waitress section on "Stupid Questions".

xoxoxo

me

Vote For Me!!

OK guys...I'm in a contest for WRAT, which is a radio station down the shore in Jersey. They are having ONE girl be a spokesmodel for the year, which means interviews, radio spots, the possibilities are endless.

You know, I know, everyone should know, there is no other person for this job. I've worked for this company before on their show and I hosted the Men's Expo for them/lingerie runway show back in January.

It sucks that it's online voting (because I don't have 10 million myspace fans) but I do know a lot of you read this blog...so I'm going to use that to my advantage.

Round one is 32 girls which then gets down to 16...which will result in more online voting (super). I really need your help because I'm guessing a lot of these chicas have a lot of time to spend on MySpace and I don't.

Please vote and tell your friends to vote. I'll love your forever. Don't let some diva bitch win this- Vote for Daniela!!!

MUAH!

http://www.wrat.com/Default.aspx?tabid=993

Cougars should be HOT

Cougars seem to be the new "trend" in Hollywood...by "new" I mean over the past 6 months or so. I personally cannot relate because I've always felt comfortable being with a man older than me (my better half being 21 years old than me) and I couldn't image dating younger let alone 20 plus years younger. That said, it's my personal preference and I get that everyone feels differently.

However, if you're going to do a show and name it "Cougartown", please, please, cast someone believable as a Cougar.

Cougar, to me, is a woman with charisma, that is just dripping with sex appeal. You can probably guess her age when you look at her, but it doesn't matter because she's uber-hot. Her body is in shape, and when she looks at you, you just want to sleep with her. If cougars were male, I would think of people like Harrison Ford and Richard Gere.

But they are not, because cougars are female. So, if I was going to cast a show, my cougar pick would come from a list including actresses such as:

Catherine Zeta-Jones, Michelle Pfeiffer, Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, Jennifer Connelly, even Susan Lucci would be fine.

But Courtney Cox? There is nothing sexy about this woman. At best, she's "cute". She's lanky, skinny, and has no curves whatsoever. Where are her boobs?? Where are they?

I cannot understand why Hollywood would pick her to star in this show.

I've watched some of the promos and it seems to be full of "humor" and not exactly full of sex. Perhaps I missed the memo where a cougar is something you laugh with/at, but then again, it's going to be on ABC. Now, if it was on HBO, or Showtime where it belongs, then perhaps they could have cast one of the women I was thinking of.

All I know is, if I was a 21 year old boy, looking to bone an older woman, she would not be my choice.

Rawr.

Acceptance Speechs

Acceptance speeches are a funny thing. Having never made one (I know, I find it shocking as well), I don't know first hand the pressure that comes with standing on a podium while everyone watches *cough* judges *cough* every syllable that comes out of your mouth. While I too will have knee-jerk reactions to things that are said, done, I quickly remind myself that I'm not up there, I'm not that person, I'm not in their shoes, and it's their speech to do with it what they will.

I'm standing way alone on this apparently, but I often do on most topics which either makes me interesting or gets me into trouble. I don't usually blog about my personal personal life, except for my "Happy Waitress" segments, but this has got me sighing and rolling my eyes and if I don't blog about it, my head might explode...and I just got my hair cut so that would be a waste.

My better half recently won an award because he's a phenomenal piano player. Bottom line. That's it. He had no idea he was going to win and thus, he never wrote a speech. We joked about what he would say, and even thought about pulling a "Kanye" stunt because it would've been funny. But nothing was set in stone and he was convinced, though nominated twice that he wouldn't be winning.

When the winner was announced, it wasn't his name, which was fine by him because he didn't want to get up on that podium. I was bummed but what can you do. After the first acceptance speech (which neither of us really listened to) there was some hub-bub at the microphone about how it was a tie, a three-way tie. I heard this, and my better half didn't, so I had to quiet everyone down at the table which was done just in time, to hear his name be announced.

At this moment he had absolutely no idea what was going on and I had to tell him that he just won...adding more confusion because we just heard who won. So he went up to the microphone completely confused...and then made his speech.

In this speech he did a lot of thanking, of me. No, he didn't thank the cast, or pretty much anyone involved. Which is all anyone can seem to talk about.

Now, I've been snubbed in an acceptance speech before and yes, it sucks. However, again, I've never made one of these speeches and I don't know the pressure that comes with it. Adding to that, being announced as the winner when you just heard who the winner was, I would be super confused as he was. Plus, there was no speech and no plan and nothing written.

But all people can think about is "he didn't thank me".

He's never going to defend himself past "I had no idea what was going on" and frankly, if that's not enough for these people, then all I can say is...

Shut the fuck up.

You weren't up there, you don't know, you weren't in his head. You haven't been in his head for the past three years and as much as people care to think they "know" him, you have no idea.

I get being snubbed hurts. But if the people who feel they were snubbed can think nothing past their own feelings, then maybe they should remember that the next time they are up on that stage, out of nowhere, without a speech, in front of everyone....

....if it ever happens.

(photo courtesy of Alicia and Joe...I can't remember who took that....)

Dear Kanye

You're a worthless piece of garbage.

Love and Kisses,

Danielle